You've probably heard about the gray rock technique. Become boring. Don't react. Give them nothing to work with. Simple enough in theory — until your narcissistic mother says "your wife is cold and heartless" and every fiber of your being wants to respond.

I've been dealing with a narcissistic mother for 25 years. I learned about gray rock at 35. It took me another 5 years to actually get good at it. Here's what I wish someone had told me from the start.

What Gray Rock Actually Means

Gray rock means making yourself as emotionally uninteresting as possible. A narcissist feeds on your reactions — your anger, your tears, your need to defend yourself. When you stop providing that emotional fuel, they lose interest. Not permanently, but enough to get through the conversation without being destroyed.

It doesn't mean being rude. It doesn't mean ignoring them completely. It means being pleasant, boring, and utterly unrewarding to engage with on anything emotional.

Think of it like this: a narcissist is looking for a tennis match. They serve, you return, they volley — and they love the game. Gray rock means you stop returning the ball. They serve, the ball bounces past you, and you just stand there. Eventually, they'll look for a different opponent.

5 Real Conversation Examples

Example 1: The Guilt Trip Phone Call

Without gray rock:

Parent: "I guess I'll just spend the holidays alone. Again."

You: "Mom, that's not fair. I told you we're going to Sarah's parents this year. We alternate every year, you know that."

Parent: "Sarah's parents. Of course. They always come first."

You: "That's not true and you know it. Last year we—"

And now you're 40 minutes into a spiral.

With gray rock:

Parent: "I guess I'll just spend the holidays alone. Again."

You: "That sounds tough. I hope you make some nice plans."

Parent: "Nice plans? What plans? Everyone has abandoned me."

You: "Hmm. Hey, did you see the weather's supposed to be nice this weekend?"

The key: you acknowledged what she said without engaging with the guilt. Then you redirected to something boring.

Example 2: The Fishing Expedition

Without gray rock:

Parent: "So how much did that new car cost?"

You: "It was a good deal, we got it for—"

Parent: "Must be nice to have money to throw around while your mother drives a 15-year-old car."

You: "Mom, you chose not to buy a new car. And we saved for this for two years—"

Now she has financial information to use against you AND an emotional reaction.

With gray rock:

Parent: "So how much did that new car cost?"

You: "Oh, it's practical. Gets us from A to B."

Parent: "Must be nice."

You: "It's alright. How's the garden doing?"

The key: give no specific information. No numbers, no details, no explanations. Bland, vague, redirect.

Example 3: The Comparison Trap

Without gray rock:

Parent: "Your sister just got promoted. She's doing so well. I'm so proud of her."

You: "That's great for her." (Feeling the sting, trying not to show it.)

Parent: "She always was the more driven one. She reminds me of myself at that age."

You: "I work just as hard as she does, Mom. You just never—"

Now she knows the comparison landed. She'll use it again.

With gray rock:

Parent: "Your sister just got promoted. She's doing so well."

You: "Good for her."

Parent: "She always was the more driven one."

You: "Mm. Hey, is that a new painting on the wall?"

The key: one flat acknowledgment. No defending yourself. No competing. Redirect immediately.

Example 4: The Provocation at a Family Gathering

Without gray rock:

Parent (in front of family): "Oh, you're actually here? I thought you'd forgotten about us like usual."

You: "I was here last month, Mom. I come every time—"

Parent: "Do you? I can't keep track anymore. I must not be important enough to remember."

Now the whole room is watching and you look defensive.

With gray rock:

Parent: "Oh, you're actually here? I thought you'd forgotten about us."

You: (Smile) "Yep, I'm here. The food smells great — who made the pasta?"

The key: don't correct the record in front of an audience. They want a public scene. Deflect to something neutral and move away.

Example 5: The Late-Night Ambush

Without gray rock:

Parent: "We need to talk about what happened between me and your wife."

You: "Fine. What do you want to say?"

Parent: "She disrespected me in my own home. She didn't even offer me coffee."

You: "That was three years ago, and that's not even what happened—"

It's now 11pm and you're arguing about coffee from 2022.

With gray rock (or in this case, broken record):

Parent: "We need to talk about what happened."

You: "I'm not going to revisit the past. Let's focus on the present."

Parent: "But she—"

You: "I'm not going to discuss things from the past."

Parent: "You can't just—"

You: "I understand you feel that way. I'm not going to discuss it."

The key: when they're directly pushing for engagement on a specific topic, gray rock merges with the broken record technique. You don't just go bland — you actively block the entire topic.

Common Mistakes

Mistake 1: Breaking gray rock when they escalate. They will escalate. That's the test. If you go gray rock and they push harder, it means it's working. The worst thing you can do is hold firm for 8 minutes and then crack on minute 9 — because now they know that 9 minutes is your breaking point, and next time they'll push to 10.

Mistake 2: Gray rocking with visible anger. If you say "I'm fine" through clenched teeth, that's not gray rock — that's suppressed rage, and they can smell it. True gray rock is genuinely not caring, or at least performing genuine indifference convincingly. This is why practice matters.

Mistake 3: Using gray rock when you should go no-contact. Gray rock is a tool for situations where you still have to interact — family events, co-parenting, a boss. If you have the option to remove this person from your life entirely and you're using gray rock as a compromise, ask yourself why.

Mistake 4: Expecting it to change them. Gray rock doesn't fix narcissists. It protects you. The narcissist will still be a narcissist. They might find other targets, try different tactics, or cycle back to you later. The goal is reducing the damage to you, not healing them.

Scripts You Can Memorize

Keep these in your back pocket. Practice saying them out loud until they feel natural:

  • "Hmm, interesting." (Then change the subject.)
  • "I'll think about that."
  • "Could be."
  • "That sounds tough."
  • "I'm not sure."
  • "I don't have strong feelings about it."
  • "Oh, I hadn't thought about it."

For when they push hard on a specific topic:

  • "I'm not going to discuss that."
  • "That's not something I'm willing to talk about."
  • "I've already shared my thoughts on that."
  • "I understand you see it differently."

The Problem With Just Reading This

Here's the truth: I read about gray rock at 35 and it took me until 40 to actually pull it off under real pressure. Not because the technique is complicated — it's dead simple. But because narcissists are experts at bypassing your rational brain and hitting you right in the emotions.

You can memorize every script on this page. But when your mother says something about your child, your marriage, your worth as a person — your body reacts before your brain catches up. Your heart rate spikes, your face flushes, and the script you memorized is gone.

The only thing that closed that gap for me was repetition. Practicing the conversations over and over until the calm response became automatic — like muscle memory. That's why I built Nagi. It lets you practice these exact scenarios with AI that actually behaves like a narcissist, so you can rehearse your gray rock until it's unbreakable.

But whether you use an app, practice in front of a mirror, or rehearse with a trusted friend — the point is the same: practice is the missing piece that nobody talks about.